didnt mean what i said to my wife

I am a man who has been married to my wife for 32 years. I told her I loved her five days after I met her. She was as well my first sexual experience. I was 23 and she was xviii. Nosotros both said it was a dear-at-first-sight thing, and I'll still agree to that today. But at present information technology's 32 years later. We have two grown daughters, one who has given us two grandchildren, and another who married and left her hubby a little over a year into their marriage. I am similar others I've read here. I am no longer in beloved with my married woman, although I practise intendance for her a lot. I have never cheated on her, but I picture myself in a single-life situation with the ability to date all the time. I will say that two years agone I did meet a adult female I work with, and we hitting it off immediately. We have traveled together with our job, and even spent a week together in Wyoming, although nothing happened. To this twenty-four hour period, nosotros talk on a daily basis, sometimes for hours. She knows about my family unit, and I know and accept met her family. She has ii teenage boys and a teenage girl, and I do believe they like me. I have been to her business firm on several occasions just to talk or watch a flick, and have fifty-fifty had a few meals with her. I guess my bespeak existence that what I accept with her is what I had with my wife when we met, but in my optics aren't even close to having anymore. There is a xx-year age divergence between my friend and I, but it doesn't seem to bother either of us. We have told each other that nosotros are each other's best friends, and told each other that we dearest each other and could never see that changing. My wife is aware of her existence, since nosotros do piece of work together occasionally. Nosotros would sometimes be on the phone together when my family was all in the house, but not on purpose, that's just the way information technology worked out. My married woman finally confronted me about it, proverb information technology bothered her and that I seemed happier talking with my friend than I did with her, which is pretty much accurate. At the cease of the day, I tin't come across myself spending the rest of my life with my wife or without her. And more than and more, I see my life with my female person friend and her family unit. There is zilch prepare in rock, and we have never talked nearly that attribute because I am married. But I remember if I were to divorce my wife, it could happen. I believe the one thing that has stopped me from leaving is the turmoil information technology would create with my children and grandchildren, but I take to exercise something for me, not anybody else. This idea process consumes my life daily. I'one thousand tired of being smothered past my wife trying to evidence she loves me, and if I don't do something virtually it soon, I will lose the opportunity to alive the rest of my days in happiness. If it seems like I've rambled on, I'yard sorry. It's the frustration of what I am facing. —Set to Go
Dear Ready to Go,

Cheers for reaching out and request these important questions. I appreciate how difficult it is to enquire for help and I'm really glad you did. I am going to share my thoughts on your situation as candidly as possible.

Y'all say, "I've never cheated on my married woman," and I would venture that you lot are talking about never having had sexual contact outside of your wedlock. All the same, there is another side to infidelity that many people are unaware of or fail to acknowledge—the emotional affair. An emotional affair is when a married or committed partner turns to an individual outside of the partnership to fulfill emotional needs. The situation you are describing with your coworker sounds like an emotional affair, especially because it appears that your wife is not enlightened of the blazon and amount of contact you have had with this woman.

While affairs may progress in whatsoever number of ways, they don't by and large "simply happen." Diplomacy happen by a series of small compromises: sharing secrets with someone other than your partner; doing things with someone that more often than not should exist reserved for your partner, such as going to the movies or having squeamish meals out; and hiding behavior. Eventually, many people find themselves in an all-out affair. While I'm non suggesting that you are having an affair, you are certainly on a glace gradient, and it is apparent that this "friendship" is taking a toll on your spousal relationship. Even if nothing has happened yet, in that location is a very existent possibility that could alter very chop-chop.

Find a Therapist for Relationships

There are a few significant things that make a relationship with someone exterior of a partner so enticing. For one, it's new. Equally anyone who has ever purchased a new auto tin can attest, the newness of the car is exciting. You tin't wait to show it off, tell anybody about it, and you flare-up with excitement every time you lot bulldoze it. After a while, notwithstanding, the newness wears off and you get accustomed to it. Then, you become more than enlightened of its quirks and maintenance costs. At this point, some people will trade in for a newer automobile to endeavour to recapture that feeling.

In marriage, the concept is the same—when yous met your wife, it was new and heady. Now, after 32 years, two children, two grandchildren, and a life together, the newness is gone. The excitement has worn off, and you know this woman similar you know yourself. I doubtable that is part of what makes the relationship with this other woman so exciting—it's new. At that place are new things to learn, explore, and share, while with your wife y'all may exist feeling like you've been in that location, done that.

Starting a new relationship later a long marriage can be exciting, but I must caution you that the friendship you draw is steeped in fantasy; almost every new relationship is. At this signal, your life with your wife is full of responsibleness and with the daily tasks of living—the bills, kids, grandkids, work, college tuition, and household chores. The relationship with the other woman doesn't have any of those components at present, but should you lot cull to end your marriage and start a life with her, those elements will be present along with the added claiming of blending families. Earlier yous make any big conclusion, it's important to step back and look at this from a realistic perspective, beyond the fantasy and romantic idealization.

Finally, you state that you want to be happy and that yous're concerned that y'all volition lose the opportunity to live your days in happiness. From my perspective, happiness is an internal status. Viktor Frankl reminds usa that the "last of the man freedoms [is] to cull 1's attitude in whatever given set of circumstances, to choose one'due south own way." You are making your happiness contingent on what happens in your life and your relationships, when your focus really ought to be on how to find fulfillment, happiness, and joy in your life on your own. If at that place is i thing that is constant in this life, information technology is that nothing stays the same. Therefore, the highest task of living, in my opinion, is learning how to surf the waters of life and maintaining an inner sense of peace, joy, and happiness … no thing what is happening.

You do not have an easy selection to make in this state of affairs, and I would encourage you lot to seek out someone to talk with yous nearly this. A good therapist tin can assistance you navigate the waters and help you become aware of things you lot may non before long run across.

Best wishes in the journey,
Lisa

Lisa Vallejos

Lisa Vallejos, PhD, LPC, specializes in existential psychology. Her primary focus is helping people to be more present in their lives, more engaged with their beingness, and to confront the globe with backbone. Lisa began her career in the mental health field working in residential treatment, community mental health centers, and with adjudicated individuals before moving into individual practice. She is in the process of finishing a PhD too as avant-garde training in existential-humanistic psychotherapy, and provides clinical training and supervision.

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Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/after-32-years-im-ready-to-leave-my-wife-and-take-a-chance

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